Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Empty visit

今天沒有任何計劃,難得又天朗氣清,決定在家附近走走,找一所有落地玻璃的咖啡室邊望街邊寫下近日的感受。

友人的住所位於Shoreditch,是一個頗有個性的地區,四處都是特色小店,街道上人來人往,各有自己的獨特氣質,一個中年人眉頭深鎖,帶著匆匆步伐,轉眼便略過,那邊廂有個衣著光鮮的鬚根型男從容不迫地與手電的朋友談天漫步,腦忽然浮起剛才閒逛時所遇到一位面有瘀痕女子的模樣,不知道他們背後有著怎麼樣的故事?我不會亦不可能知,他和他和她曾經歷過而帶他們到這一刻狀態的心路歷程,其實我極喜歡退一步去奇想,我們每個人在這大世界電影中所扮演的角色。

回到倫敦後,腳步放慢了,耐心工作,為下一站儲錢,亦參加了不少新奇的活動和企劃,繼續體驗這個多姿多彩的城市,然而夜欄人靜處時,我發現內心深處仍有一種令人麻疹的空虛感,以往它一出現,我便會變得不知所措,彷彿整個人的價值都被抽空,近日它又於夜深造訪,我承認它始終有種壓倒性的威力,淡淡的孤單及無力感亦會隨之而來,趁機來一個空洞派對現階段雖未能參透箇中深層的因由,但我正學習與之相處,提醒自己放鬆、放手、放開對某些人和事的執著,無須過份緊張,這過客遲早會脫下神秘的面紗,慶幸沒有再陷入極端混亂中,深呼吸一口,我仍活著,多好

完成這篇博客的一剎那,有新動向了,四月將會回巴塞隆納一趟,然後經布拉格過維也納,來一個三星期的小旅程,另外我的藝術家駐場計劃獲批了,七八月會到波蘭的別爾斯科-比亞瓦市讓生命藝術進行另一場革命,期待!

The feeling is back at night.  I shall not give in.  Take a deep breath.  I am still alive.  

As much as I don’t welcome this empty feeling into my heart, it will find its way to creep in once in a while.  Recently, it lingers around with its buddies, loneliness and helplessness before I went to bed.  Though I’m no longer striped naked by its presence, I admit it still has an overwhelming force.  Perhaps the mystery of its origin will be revealed in time.  Nonetheless, it is a not-so-friendly reminder to let go of my control freak nature.  I’m learning to live with whatever comes along.  Well, at least I took it easier and didn’t fall into the intense chaos this time around.

There is no genius here.  Just an ordinary guy tries to follow his heart and lives life to the fullest.  Problems and feelings will come and go.  I won’t give up.  Life is worth striving for. 

London has been quite bright these days.  I try to absorb the light whenever possible.  This afternoon, I took a 45 minutes walk in the golden sun to meet my friend in Covent Garden.  Foot is the best transportation here.  It is cheap, healthy, and reliable.  5 weeks have passed since I came back.  I continue to labor for saving and explore stimulating activities while proactively waiting for the next chapter to unfold.  

At last, some doors are opened.  I’m going on a three weeks trip to Barcelona, Prague, and Vienna in April.  It will be lovely to see some good friends as well as explore another part of Europe.  And guess what?  I got accepted to an artist residency in Bielsko-Biala city, Poland!  Wohoo!!!  Will be going there for July and August.  It’s time to make some art again.  Can’t wait for another art-life revolution.

People watching while writing is fun!
My little birthday gathering.  Gotta love everyone's natural expression.
OMG, I'm cutting pictures of my family while Cedric is trying to act cool in my pink jumper.
Am I a roaster or......  THANK YOU, sis, for the beautiful cake.
Real party time!
HUNG OVER the next day...  Let's wander to Saatchi Gallery!
These figures have such elegant forms.
Left: an installation with waxed cloths.  Right: doesn't it remind you of Matisse?
What are you looking at, kiddo?  No more food for you.
Full of hope.
Spotted this scene on my way to a modeling session in Haringey.
 Greyhound in a life drawing class?
Modeling also took me to Isle of Wight.  It's a gorgeous small island.
Oh, how I miss nature.
Too bad it was too foggy to see those famous cliffs in the isle.
Who are these people waiting for?
ME ME ME ME ME....
My friend body painted me for a short performance in this life-drawing session.
Yes, I was performing naked. 
And loving it.
Mr. Giraffe said seat back, relax, and enjoy the show.
The tropical glasshouse in Kew Gardens.
This picture would be perfect without that frigging sign in the middle.
Are you ready?
There were many tourists in the garden, but we managed to sneak into the conservation area for...
this
that
and yea,
you get the idea.
This is one of the most engaging shows I've seen for a long time.  She is Yayoi Kusama 草間彌生 at Tate Modern.
Captivating shapes and colors.
Spectacular installation.  I especially enjoy the infinite feeling from the room on the right.
Sunset in London.  Still charming.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Honest Truth

YOU DID IT!  I am sooooo proud of you!  This is not a dream.  We made it!
Can’t believe it as well.  I was literally in shock the moment I decided to write the letter to my parents.

The timing has come.  Since you said yes to share your story on Chris’s second book about depression, this decision is bound to happen as you want to be true without holding anything back.
Yes, because that also means my past struggles about homosexuality along with all the other issues will be public.  I would not want my family to find out about who I really am through a third source, like a book.  Thus, my only option is to compose a personal letter and tell them myself.

Though they still can’t accept that part of you, they love and support you all the way.  Isn’t that more than enough?
Of course, I am exceptionally grateful for their response.  We don’t have to agree on everything as long as we can respect each other.

Life is such a fascinating tale.  Your past 30 years were mostly about struggle.  Now even your strongest chain is set loose; you will have so much more energy to live and create.
It just keeps getting better.  Who knows what else will occur in the remaining time of my journey?  Yet my spirit is at ease.  I trust in life, and the flow is my greatest teacher. 

Aren’t you a little scared cos you have no concrete plan as of now?
My faith is firm.  Something will pop up sooner or later.  No rush.  Life is magnificent when you take your time to taste it.

You have indeed grown up, my love.  Please don’t forget I will continue to be by your side when you need me.
Muah! ^,^

一個困擾我30年的難題,終於在2012年劃上句號,無須再編謊話,能夠真誠地過活,是我一直夢寐以求的人生。

上回提到,那個重要的決定,其實是一封給家人的信,內容講述我的成長經歷,由小時候被排斥、同性性取向的掙扎、與基督信仰的糾纏與分離、抑鬱邊緣的崩潰到從谷底中爬出來及今時今日的蛻變,這些他們一直不知道的事,我都一一詳述。

那些重得驚人的包袱,會隨歲月變得輕省,到時機成熟,放下的一剎那,方才發覺我真的已長大,父母家姐雖然未能認同我的性取向,但他們對我的愛與支持仍舊不變,更為我的勇氣及經歷感到自豪,這不就是《天與地》所說的和諧嗎?不是一百個人說同一番話,是一百個人,有一百句不同的一番話之餘,而又互相尊重」親愛的爸媽,您們才是我的驕傲。


昨夜倫敦下雪了,對上一次感受雪花的燦爛,是
8年前在美國威斯康辛州實習時的冬天,久違了的嚴寒,卻剛好襯托著我熾熱暖的內心,這九個月來天氣的變更,彷彿見證著我戲劇性的變化,連這個千年心結都被解開,未來的日子,相信只會越來越豐富,然而不用急,就讓我從容不迫,靜待故事的發展。


Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Beautiful/difficult way home - depending on how you look at it.
Sunny morning after snow.
Back to modeling.  What do you think about these pieces? 
Brought my beloved David to Passing Clouds on his last but my first night in London.  Will miss you, my love.
Farewell drink for Felix.  We shall meet in Germany!
Lovely Indian dinner with Polly during my last weekend in BCN.
Notice how I look differently?  Hint: Harry Potter.
The remaining gang before closing my last minute goodbye painting exhibition - living flow.  Amazed at how many people actually showed up despite the cold weather, I felt compelled to make a little speech about how art met my life during this journey.  
On my last day in BCN, I finally visited the famous Park Güell by Gaudi.  He lived here for 20 years.
Magnificent city view from the park.
 Lots of organic & natural shapes - just the way I like it.
Especially take pleasure in the rural part of the park.
Stopped by Caixa Forum - a very intriguing cultural centre.
Though the current exhibition was not impressive, I simply enjoyed spending time in this exceptional space with modern and classic architecture.  
Will always remember the gorgeous night view at the port.
How many cold nights did I run pass this scene to the boat?
It would have been terrific if I had the opportunity to try one of these boats, which I walked by everyday.
Presenting my shower room and toilet!
One morning I couldn't get a hold of the organizer of the squat and waited outside for an hour.  LOOK, I'm so used to posing now, lol!
My installation is site specific.
And it grows from the materials of the space.
It's coming alive!
Stay tuned for more pics on my web site later.